Dick Socrates's Wet Nightmare

Drinking one’s own urine.

22 Jun 2011 7 Comments

by Dick Socrates in Communication, Drawings, NEWS, Nightmares, Razor sharp satire

Whizz drinking.  We’ve all done it – a crafty palm-full here and there; we all think about it, all the time.  In short, it dominates every waking and sleeping moment of our lives.  But how can we speciously justify it to others?  You could try the old chest-nuts of its health benefits.  We can say it solves skin problems such as limescale and mould, that it cures fictitious mental conditions such as depression, autism and dyslexia, or for the man in your bed that it puts hairs on your scrotum, (if you’re man enough to have one).  But let’s be honest with each other, no one is going to believe that shit, and more to the point, no one is going to allow you to urinate without supervision again if you so much as broach the subject even from the obtusest of angles.

Drinking one’s own piss has long been seen as a social faux-upas,  attempted only by those in our society with the genetic ‘gumph’ to carry it off.  Such people include: Holyworm movie-tramps armed with all-access sex faces, popular-mucus suckers (Lanky GarGamel, Emememem, Kurry Peppers, Batusi, etc), and specially anointed preens of the horny crutch, divested with ejaculate consumption by our Lard, Harold Cramps.  The rest of us mere normals have had to live a piss/lips-free existence, for fear of being cast out of our social circumference of other rampant closet pee-pee-guzzlers, on account of their hypocritical shame, the bastards.

BUT THAT WAS THEN.  May I introduce the (mineral rich) solution.  May I introduce . . .

THE URINATOR! [Cassette: Screams of craving agony]

[SEE BELOW]

As you can see from the image [ABOVE], ‘The Urinator’ is an auto-urine ingestion unit.  The discreet excretion pipe lovingly channels the golden delicious directly into the mouth parts of the adult male [PICTURED] or female [NOT PICTURED].   Supplied “high-glue” strips securely fasten the ‘U-Tube’™ to the upper-dermot, and can easily be removed with any high street industrial strength solvent (ask your local mechanic for the ‘hard stuff’ with a knowing smirk, he’ll understand).  The tip of the ‘U-Tube’™ may be cunningly concealed under the collar of a shirt, or the neckline of an erotic dress, for quick, convenient access to your own waste water – straight to your tumescent lips.

We’ve literally thought of everything, but I can tell you have some questions from the confused look on your wet face.

Q: “Are the piss safe?”, Shed Wanderlust, Donkchester

A: Yes, the piss are well safe.

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Q: “Is this way of life for me?”, Linda Ahymnal, Lesbeard

A: Yes, especially for someone like you.

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Q: “Can, or should I?”, Rita Bathfouler, Hardcore-Under-Water

A: I don’t mind.

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Q: “What about the shit, dude?”, Quentin Tintin, Lambscock

A: You need “The Defecator 1000″.

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Q: “I have a 9 year old in my house.  Should I be concerned?”, Debbie Shush, Wummockshire

A: It depends.

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Q: “I penis small! do are these pant have ways of making it do?”, Denny Belsen, Hammersmith

A:”‘The Urinator” is fully adjustable and has been proven to work effectively on even the smallest penile scudge.  Don’t worry your pretty little head, you’ll be gulping down gallons of your own steaming piss in no time.  And that’s as close to a guarantee as we’re prepared to go.

Hopefully this will answer all of your fucking questions.

BUTT WANK! THERE ARE MORE (information[s])!

Buy RIGHT now and secure yourself, for FULL-PRICE, “The Urinator DELUXE”!! Shit! :-O

The inconspicuous motorised back-pack helps to force the nutrient rich bladder by-water right into the throat, should you not posses the sufficient push or pull to get the job done on your lonesome, (for reasons of medically induced ineptitude or mental maladroitness).

And there you are.  You too could be enjoying the benefits of drinking your own urine, not to mention the yummy taste “just like Momma used to make“!

The future is a sort of golden/greenish colour.

[Orange may indicate the presence of blood. Best to ignore it.]

I shall leave you with some customer testimonials, extracted under only the mildest of duresses,

“i fukkin’ luv it. it tasts great wiv chips and my fukkin’ wife dont know nuffink abaht it THE FUKKIN’ BITCH!!!!”

Barney Claine, East End Thug and closet vagina.

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“It’s improved my love life immeasurably, spicing things right up in the bathroom.”

Synthia McShane, gymnastics enthusiast.

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“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it should be banned and the man who made it executed.”

Sir Ribald Foof OBE, ex-army, retired government racist.

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“Good shit.  Nice one. Cheers. Nice shit. Good one. Cheers.”

Billy Shits, building.

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“Doctors said I had only four months to live. That was three months ago and I’m still here.  Thanks Urinator, you’ve saved my God damned life! *takes massive gulp* “

Randy Baby, American.