Dust Auction
05 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Concept, from, Goon Show, Goons, Milligan, Peter Sellers., Spike, stolen
Hello and welcome to the auction of dust. Please take your seats quietly and make sure to turn off any mobile phones or portable mitigation units.
Ok, everyone? Eric will now display the items.
Thank you.
- Two bog-standard ice banjos. Wonderful detailing on the juniper stacks.
- Techincal documents describing the rise and fall of Hitler’s penis, obtained by Alied forces during Operation Phwoar.
- A provocative crayon sketch of Angela Lansbury hand drawn by the former lead artist on Hey Arnold! prior to his dismissal (real bit of history there).
- A life-sized replica of the children’s playset version of the Ghostbusters Fire Station made from plastic.
- A single 300ml aerosol canister of the anti-perspirant ‘Kaynyne’ which contains the aroma of dogshit (very popular in Germany).
- Ten bottles of unidentified blood (buyer accepts full liability for any diseases contracted as a result of using this item).
- A self-poratrait of the Queen (c.1958) rendered in neon-pink lipstick on a pure bronze commemorative platter given to her by the President of Zawumbo, Mr Chidi Ezeugo as a token of the respect of the Zawumbolese people.
- A ‘used’ copy of Playboy dated 11th September 2001 in terrible condition.
- A toilet roll holder sans toilet roll or the required screws to attach it to a wall, (seller has included a partially depleted slab of Blu Tack and a short note expressing their deepest regrets).
- A brass handlebar moustache security armour kit for use in the field. Comes with leather straps w/ brass buckles to attach to the head. Viability of the leather to cope with the weight of the armour unverified. Some signs of wear; please take into consideration the item is quite old and was used by Kaiser Wilhelm himself during his last bout of the craps, before being passed down to his daughter, Kaiseria Wilhelmina.
- A complete set of original Star Wars action figures with the heads and limbs sawn off, then dipped in white paint before being crushed by a steam roller and set on fire.
- A packet of authentic Maltesers said to be in the newsagents at the very same time the adjacent Snappy Snaps was crashed into by George Michael while under the influence of illegal street-homosexuality (this is unconfirmed, but it makes for a wonderful story. If but it were true!)
- A self-portrait of the Queen (c.2011) rendered in neon-pink lipstick on a pure Irish gold commemorative platter given to her by the President of Ireland Mary McAleese as a token of the respect of the Irish people.
- A skull said to belong to Paul Daniels (believed to have come into his possession during one of his fequent grave looting expeditions to Cambodia.)
- A complete set of Walkers Crisps.
- Several thousand used syringes rescued from incineration by a quick thinking hospital porter.
- A VHS collection of most episodes of the Disney Time TV specials presented by Dannii Minogue for the BBC before her soul was exorcised.
- A vial of Thames water taken from David Walliams’s lungs after his bid to swim from London to Paris ended in failure.
- An iron bucket once thought to belong to Paralympian Chris Akabusi, but recent research suggests he merely considered buying it before opting to buy a cheaper and more durable plastic variant (there whreabouts of this treasure are thought to be in Akabusi’s shed). Still a useful item nevertheless.
Bidding on the first item to begin as soon as I can find my motivation.
